|"Epilogue:" And with these drinks, I plan to collapse and forget this wasted year.
||[Jun. 25th, 2005|06:32 am]
|||||bright eyes - lovers turn into monsters||]|
So, here goes. If we’re playing a round of “tell all, know all,” maybe my half will get some airtime. I hope you two will understand that everything hereafter is the truth, and see that none of us have any reason to hold back at this point. I’ve been seeing things, as best I can, from your perspectives these days, and since I can’t actually make anything right at this point, hopefully I can at least clear some things up. Ahem.
When I was with you, I felt a way that I’ve never felt before. No offense to Elisse, or Erin, or Kelly or Sara or any of them, but we were different than any of those ‘wes.’ I’ll admit, it wasn’t love, though at times I wished it were. It was like all that shit they talk about on TV, but the actors can never get across. I don’t know any other way to describe it, I guess. To make use of a bad cliché, I felt alive. And it felt like you felt that way too, and that made it easier for me to put aside the summer, and my feelings for Elisse, at least for a while. It was good. I wanted it to last, and when we were together, I wanted to be with you.
We missed out on a lot of key points to make our relationship “strong,” and I know they were because of me. The silent “five months,” your birthday, Valentine’s Day, prom. Any time one of those days came around, even when I was still convinced that relationships at this age were shit, I knew that whatever we had or could have was going to be less than it could be. It’s a horrible feeling. At least in part, I won’t lie and say that it was my sole motivation, that was a reason I overstepped your boundaries.
I wanted to be with you in ways you didn’t want to be with me, yes. I understand that. But it wasn’t just me being a teenager, or stereotypes from TV, or fucking hormones that made me want to. I didn’t just want sex. I wasn’t looking for a quick throw in the back row at the movies, or for any of that shit old men pay to see on the Internet. I wanted something special and concrete with you, and even though it was in your red zone, I thought you might want it too. I’m sorry if you didn’t.
Everything we did, or I did or tried to do, was because I wanted that for us. Not just for me. Not to have a notch in my bedpost. And, until just recently, I don’t think I understood why you didn’t want it too. But, go figure, it hits me in that “too little, too late” timeframe, and here we are. So, if you’ll try to believe this, I am truly sorry.
“The days when we made it, the world was green. Now Autumn has fallen, everything’s changed.”
I loved you. Plain and simple. I may have “fallen in love with you” way back when, some day coming out of Beccone’s, but that wasn’t anything compared to how much I loved you over the span of our relationship. It was love, and I felt it for you in a way that made me forget how I’d “loved” Erin. It was fantastic, and mature, and scary, and empowering at the same time. It was everything I didn’t understand handed to me on a silver platter, and I’d never felt it before. Admittedly, it wasn’t the same feeling or dynamic as in my relationship with Jess. I don’t think the two could be compared on any scale, they were very different feelings, neither better than the other. And that was scary.
Everything about loving you scared me. As great as it was, and as much as I reveled in it, I was terrified every second I was with you. How I felt for/with Erin amounted to nothing compared to how I felt for/with you, but that didn’t stop me from being afraid that they’d end the same way. I’ve never felt that way, for anyone, and it scared me, and that stayed with me. I told you this, but you were the first person in my life I’ve said ‘I love you’ to without any prompting. You were the first person I “put myself out there” for, and even after you said it back, I felt like I was still “out there” every day. Even after Erin, and after everything I told myself and all the changes I tried to make to myself, being in love wasn’t something I could handle. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t change or excuse anything, but not a day went by that I wouldn’t panic about losing you. I’m sure you saw that.
I wasn’t nearly the boyfriend to you that I wanted to be, or you expected, or you deserved. I was too caught up in what was going on in my head to give you what you needed, or to love you or appreciate you like I should’ve. If there’s anything I regret about what went on between us, breakups and everything included, that right there’s it. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but I’m sorry. I loved you in a way I didn’t understand, and I didn’t do shit to get that across to you. I know I ruined it, and after everything, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. Not even Erin.
What happened the night before prom was more than I expected, but more than I should’ve let happen or gone through with. For what it cost you, as compared to what it ultimately did for us, I wish I could take it back. But everything we ever talked about, and everything we ever wanted for each other, together, I wanted. Please don’t ever doubt that.
“I’m so sorry, it should’ve been forever.”
I guess this is to both of you.
I did you both wrong. I didn’t make up my mind. When one path looked too rocky I took the other. Not so much from choice or premeditation, but because I didn’t know what to do. But, before we start, let me say this. I know I’m not “unique or special” in being confused, or falling for two girls at once. I’m not the first, won’t be the last, and all that. I’m not looking for you to pity me, or think that I don’t deserve the blame. We all know I do. I just want my bit said.
I fucked up. I wanted what I had with both of you, and going from one to the other wasn’t how to get it. For what I’ve done, for fucking up the last year of your lives, I can’t apologize enough. For how much I cared about both of you, and how I wished this all could’ve turned out, this was the last thing I wanted. And you’re probably right. In ten years, I’ll still be hung up over this. Despite everything, and in spite of what might’ve happened, I never wanted to hurt either of you. I know it’s not convincing, and it probably doesn’t make a difference, but I mean it.
I know that it’s a pretty big victory for me if you’re even still reading, so I’ll just make this short. If anything, please believe this. Jess, I can only hope the next lucky guy you stumble upon’s got more sense than me, and can help undo every little thing I’ve done. Elisse, I hope that whatever, or whoever, you find in Utah treats you the way I wish I had. No matter where I go, or where I’m going, I’ll miss you both more than I can say.
I should print this out, just in case you never come here anymore.